I was really thinking about taking this blog down since I've had so much trouble lately with anxiety. I go through a lot of ups and downs with that, but when it's bad I really start to close myself off and don't talk to people much. Having my thoughts on a website really starts to creep me out when I feel like that. Well, here it will stay for now.

My anxiety is being triggered lately by some big career decisions I have to make and I'm not doing a very good job with all of that right now. I change my mind every five minutes about what I want to do. I recently began working to start a new landscaping business, but after a week of backbreaking work and sleepless nights, I'm coming to the conclusion this may turn into another month-long tangent that will amount to nothing. Basically I feel I'm not leveraging my strengths and that my engineering degree might be put to better use elsewhere. I just don't know. The bottom line is that I'm tired of my career being the thing that is supposed to define me. I don't want that. I just want to go put my 40 to 50 hours a week in and spend the rest of my time with friends and family, reading books, playing music, traveling, etc. I want to be able to count on at least a couple of worry-free weeks off per year. I want to go to happy hours with co-workers and have water cooler discussions. And for God's sake, HEALTH INSURANCE! Do you know that after the scare I had with the lung thing when I had to get the CT scan and everything, my insurance doubled? Fucking bastards. Anyway, I definitely don't think starting another business by myself is what's best for me right now, but that could all change by tomorrow. For the time being, if I tell you I'm going to do something, don't hold your breath waiting for it to happen - I'll be on to something else next week.

I also lost interest in this blog because of some display problems I was having with my Drupal template. I'm done with wasting my time searching through hundreds of lines of code to find some little misplaced <div> tag or find workarounds for all the shortcomings of IE browswers. So I'm not doing any customization. I'm sticking with the default "Garland" template in Drupal and I'll leaving the customization for the next time I'm inclined to spent countless hours in front of the computer essentially working on nothing.