I had a rather lengthy debate with a female friend this past weekend about flirting while in a romantic relationship. I don’t think any agreement was reached between us, which means it’s now a pebble in my shoe. My friend’s contention was that flirting outside of a romantic relationship is never acceptable and that one must maintain complete consistency in one’s behavior, whether or not one is in the presence of his or her romantic partner. To do otherwise would constitute a lack of integrity. Pretty black and white point of view, I think. My contention was that there is such a thing as innocent flirting between two responsible adults who have no interest in cheating on their respective partners, and this kind of behavior is not only perfectly normal, but healthy. However, I personally would not flirt in front of a romantic partner, or expect her to flirt in front of me. I don’t consider this duplicitous – just a simple matter of respect. I don’t generally fart in front of a [new] girlfriend either, but I do so frequently when I’m alone. Does that mean I don’t have any integrity? I don’t think so. Also, there is one important caveat to my belief: innocent flirting must occur between complete strangers in order to be innocent. If you’re my girlfriend and you flirt with my friend, that’s just disrespectful, regardless of whether I'm there or not.

As with most situations, there are lots of ifs, ands, and buts. That’s a given. But generally speaking, if my girlfriend wants to go out to a club for a “girls night out” with her friends every now and then, get hit on by a few guys, flirt a little bit, and engage in some PG-rated dancing, then good for her. She’d probably have a blast. Plus, a little ego boost never hurt anyone. Frankly I’d be proud of her for being such a hottie. By the same token, if I go out to a bar and end up having a fascinating conversation with a beautiful woman who’s batting her eyelashes, biting her lower lip, and looking me up and down a little, I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong. At the end of the night, I’m going home to my girlfriend feeling great about myself. And when you feel good about yourself, you just treat others so much better. Would I have that same conversation when I’m out with my girlfriend? Absolutely not. I think that would be disrespectful. Would I lie about it if my girlfriend asked me? Absolutely not. Would the result of my approach be that my partner and I build a great deal of trust, have a great sex life, avoid smothering each other, and never take each other for granted? Well that’s the idea.

So am I way off? Am I just Mr. Duplicity?